I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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