Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
