1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
