My liver just broke up with me...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize