I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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