the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
