my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
