My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
