she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
