a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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