just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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