Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
