I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
