I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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