Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
