Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
