Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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