i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
