I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
