are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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