i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
