I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
