Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
