My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
