ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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