she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
