There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
