I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
