She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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