Welp...herpes.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
