Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
