my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
