First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
