porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
