He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
