The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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