my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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