You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
