What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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