I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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