I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
