Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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