I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
