He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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