even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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