so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
