I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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