If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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