shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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