Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
