OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
