I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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