forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
