if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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