so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
