who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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