kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
