Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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