If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize