I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize