i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
