Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
